Takes me High
by Katherine Cruz
Summary: Brian and his relationship with his first love. Set preseries and to series finale. Enjoy and feedback please!


**Takes me high**

I.

It feels like coming home.

You stride into the cacophony of color and booming bass with false bravado, eyes flicking from the gyrating forms that pull in and out of shadow to glance at Michael, whose face, unlike yours, betrays his youth. You elbow his ribs, smirking at his wide eyes, and kiss his mouth softly, lingering for a second before moving away into the crowd.

Hands press against heated skin, skim down your back, over your arms and you smile. Sensations trickle slowly inside, senses heighten, and you move through the sea of sweat and limbs. There's a hand gripping your waist, stopping your progress. You glance back, weighing the options running through your mind.

Decision made, you turn to allow the hands to explore more thoroughly. They shift your hips slightly and you move with them, swaying to the beat that pounds into you.

This is where you belong. This place of flashing lights and rhythm. Sex and indulgence envelop you, hold tightly, and you know you'll lose to it.

There's no sense of unworthiness here. It fills that place that lies inside, empty and bottomless. It soothes the boy with bruises that never quite heal. Muffles that voice, the one that sounds like Jack. Here…now…you're beautiful…fearless…complete.

The hands pull sharply, half dragging you from the heap of bodies and skin, and you're dropped into darkness, sounds of pain and ecstasy falling into you. Head hitting the rough expanse of wall as you're pushed back. Frenzied hands shove into your pants and you hiss, your cock hard and ready. Cool air hits sensitive skin and you moan at the wet heat that envelops your shaft, teeth scraping, pulling….

This is what you want to feel forever.

II.

This is your kingdom now.

You reign supreme, floating among the peasants, picking the worthy at your own discretion. Tonight you throw one arm around Emmett, ordering a round for all of you. You ignore Ted's glare, tracing a line over glittered skin. You meet icy blue gaze and your hand pauses. Few people could read you well, but you know Emmett is different. He smiles, gap between his teeth drawing your gaze, and you know he's not one you'll touch.

He laughs when you pull away, kisses you quickly, then proceeds to drag Michael toward the shining beacon of bodies. You smirk as they move together, one fluid and the other stiff…and not in the way it's preferred here. There's a hand on your shoulder and, without glancing over, you push it off, walking toward your throne.

Skin slapping against skin greets you, distinct odor of cum and sweat mingled with the sickly-sweet smell of smoke that fills up the narrow space. You pause occasionally, eyes following limbs…hands…cocks…

Here…you're king….a god…you choose what you want….when…or you walk away, leaving those around panting, wanting. You can feel expectant glances thrown your way, bodies begging for you.

Leaning against the cold stone wall, you wait…smile when more than one pair of hands clutch at you. Brush lips against the soft mouth that offers itself to you. Your eyes close at the familiar sensations, heart beating rapidly, anticipating the feel of skin and heat…

This is your kingdom….your eternity…

III.

It seems to dim, become wavy lines across your gaze, the shine no longer draws in. You still smirk, hold onto the skin in your hands, grip at the pants wrapped in your clenched fingers. You pull now…drag the warm body into the darkness. The sounds fall deaf in your ears and you ignore the sense of panic that spears through your heart.

This is still your world. The place you will always belong.

You feel lips around you, yearn for that satisfaction, close your eyes and grimace at the pain that sears up your shaft. No more colors surround you. Sensations pale and fade into the stale air that chokes you. Pulling back, you rearrange yourself, zipping up your pants, and without a word you walk into the shower of sparkles falling from the heavens. You shove the panic into that empty place that seems to be growing once again.

Your face is schooled into indifference, boredom, and you hear the same reflected in your voice as you walk past three familiar faces, heading away from the place that has always served as your safe haven.

Golden light catches your eyes, and when you focus you feel something inside shift at the sight found underneath a not so distant streetlamp. Something unfurls…pouring warmth through cold limbs.

You want.

Inside…around…deep and sharp.

You want to touch …smell …taste…

If you were a different man, you'd describe him as beautiful…perfect…fucking heaven. But you're Brian Kinney…all you can wonder is how that skin will taste on your lips…how your cock will feel inside him…what he will smell like with your scent surrounding him.

You half smile, the fear that your home no longer welcomed you gone…it gave you this….him….and you know you still have this place…colors and sounds blasting through your senses….

You walk toward him, your stride dominant and sure.

You own this…you always will.

IV.

Darkness descends as you enter, translucent colors and echoing sound lost in hollow places that once again reside at the surface. You move through the throbbing crowd, flinching slightly when hands skim over your flesh. You ignore fingers grasping for you, skirting around bodies, eyes focused to one point.

You crawl into the space, blue lights shining in the eternal darkness and you breathe it in. Absorbing into your lungs that scent of despair that now lies in every corner. You let hands roam over you skin, clammy touches leaving cold trails in their wake.

You swallow the tab that you're handed, praying that it silences the sound of wood crushing bone…feet running…screams of agony…Close your eyes as another mouth covers you…image of crimson running on concrete…hands feel the weight of limp bones…

You ache to never remember his mouth on yours…his hands smoothing away defenses that you'd built…his laughter cushioning all those worn out crevices that you hid from the world. Every corner flashes with memories of sunshine and warmth.

It bubbles upward…grief clashing with need…and you plead silently for these walls that had always been your sanctuary to remove it…squash it with its sights and sounds….

Your eyes open to meet disappointed brown ones and you stare sightlessly, the weight of silk wrapped around you.

You wish for yellow and silence.

Your home now has blank walls, endless white floors and harsh lighting…

V.

Red cascades in spaces between the blob of appendages that swim across your vision as you stare into blue eyes. Recognition passes in the distance that separates you but it's gone….and so is he. You sense probing stares and your skin crawls, aching for a touch that will never be.

You hide behind the mask, hearing the beating thump of notes, desperately soaking it in. You forget at once light and laughter. Descend greedily into a bottomless nothing, distinctly hearing whispered words flowing in your mind. They become louder as you sway gently, your eyes sting momentarily, and it takes you too long to remember the voice now occupying the silence.

It says you're worthless. Tells you it was only a matter of time. Laughs at your insistence that this was what you wanted. You scream at it that he was never meant for you…that you never believed he was. That you knew all along.

You remember how you once belonged here. You move your body faster, push against another, and pretend you can feel the warmth wrap around you.

This was where you belonged….this was what you were.

What you would always be.

VI.

Every sense is heightened and you feel the thump ricochet through his fingers into your hair…skin….mouth. You taste yellow and smile, heads pressed together, hands skimming every part you can reach.

You can't remember a time it'd felt this good. Your hands skim his face, touching soft wisps of hair at the base of his neck. You lean in, take his mouth in yours and breathe in a rainbow of colors. You laugh when he jokes about the apparent loss of space he was experiencing.

His hands reach around you, pull you in, pushing away the ache that seemed to live inside….silencing the noises you had become so deft at ignoring.

Your eyes close, head leaning back to feel the shower of sparkles rain down on you.

You're home.

VII.

There is never enough time to enjoy the moments that make pain worthwhile. You think that you will now. You'll remember how it was to see nothing but gray, sickness and pain. You move through the chains determined to find what you needed. Your eyes scan the room, finding him immediately. You stride like you once did, hands pulling him up, mouth crushing his, swallowing the soft mewl of moans that escape his lips.

Bright blue eyes shine into yours, amusement mixing with worry, and you display yourself to him, smiling at the excitement and relief in his voice.

He runs into the dark void and you follow, pushing away the thought that this was the place it had all started. The constant weakness and pain. It had become a stranger, marking you with the sign of age and death.

You shove the thoughts away when he falls at your feet, his warmth covering you…licking away ugly memories….making it seem like it once was.

You still reign here.

VIII.

Your eyes travel over the rubble, the strewn bodies…the blood covering the floor around you. It brings to mind another time…where red and gray had dominated all…You want to feel the shock you know is there at what has happened to your world…the home you'd claimed as your own.

There are no lights….no reds or blue or gold blanketing the walls, your skin…the only sounds now are cries of pain…destruction thrown across your feet.

You push through smoke and fire….wishing you cared one fucking bit for the glass, concrete and metal cascading around you…

It would mean you were still the same.

But all you can think of is golden hair and blue eyes. All you can hear is a laugh that fills up every thought you have. All you ask is that you can feel alabaster skin on yours. That you can hold it in your hands and touch its warmth, breathe the color inside….

Your eyes find him like they did so long ago…and you pause for a fraction…silently pleading that he was real. Your eyes meet and he pulls away…moves toward you…and you want to cry with relief. You crush him against you…sighing as you feel him…see the color return to your world…hear the cries silenced and you caress his skin…his hair…

You need to make sure he's real.

Because this is your world now.

IX.

You sway to the thumping notes that echo through you, remember a time when this was all you needed. It was all you ever wanted. You watch Mikey's face as you move together…still see the same amazed expression he had that first night and like then you smirk at him. He pulls you into a kiss…lingering for a fraction…and then he's gone. To the place he belongs. You watch him go now…your arms rising over you head.

Your body sways to notes drifting around you…your eyes closing against the memories that flood now. You wish for that feeling. That knowledge that you had found your place in the world. You know it won't come.

Visions of cerulean blue and gold flash across your mind. Whispers of old ghosts threaten to take over. Silence is no longer an option.

You continue to move…for once allowing your body to follow the music….you let it overtake…senses flowing with notes…

You want to feel alive once more.

You want the color and sounds to reign.

You want your world to return.

You think that will never happen…

So you take the only choice you have left.

You keep dancing….and you hope one day…you'll find home again.


End file.
